12/27

Feeling better rocks! So does being able to act independently again.
There are things I want to do, but I don't want to do them WITH anyone. I want to do them for me. And that is a whole new experience, but I really look forward to spending 2014 with myself. Really and truly with me and not with anyone or waiting for anyone. That is a beautiful thing!
I really do love that. Live Clean in 2014.

Thanks and stuff

I've been moving through some stuff stuff (technical term) since like May. It's been less than easy. But within the rough has been GREAT and AMAZING things that have allowed me to grow and move and really discover some things about who I am and lay to rest some things that no longer resonate. But it has been really rough at times. There is sad and there is loss to grieve, and it takes time. But all of it goes into the painting of what my life looks like right now... and what it looks like now is only a shade of what I'm making room for. This gives me hope. How things grow and evolve and how change (while sometimes painful and scary) is really a beautiful things because if things are shifting in the beautiful way now, I can't imagine how beautiful it will be in the future.

9/3 - Heart Guard

I'm trying to tell myself it's not cold hearted to be "done" with someone else's drama.

It's seriously a gross situation and I want nothing else to do with hit. Hence the blocking of the feed. It will help. Out of sight, out of mind. It's just tragic though!

One of the things I'm working on is... ok I'm working on A LOT, but one of the things I'm working on is not over identifying with anything and everything I come into contact with. Not everything I see on TV relates to what I'm going through or is a lesson on how to handle things.

I'm struggling to believe this WHOLE thing. I mean WHY? Let's just say healer Meg has left the building and I'm in full on confused Meg Mode. If someone treats you THAT BAD, if you had an abortion to avoid drama with this person, if they do nothing but step on you and treat you bad? WTF?! Why? Why keep going back to them.

But that is not a question I can answer. All I can do, is what I've done. Which is to take care of me in this and to disconnect, unplug, and limit my contact to it in the future. If any contact is needed I will gauge what to do when the time comes. 

It feels odd... blocking the feed and disengaging. I've done it with other people to avoid seeing negative things or being exposed to it. I think it's smart. I am responsible for what I expose myself to. And if I know that this is nothing but or source of icky feelings, I must Shield myself properly.

It's tough, though. I would say this is the hardest Detox of all!

Limiting and unplugging from social media. Deleting the app off of my phone. It's a great step.
Coming back into myself. There is nothing I'm missing. 

Distractions are a bit tough, But I've manage to contain and not reach out. I'm proud of that. 

Dinner with Tay at 6. That's ok with me. Just need to stay Whole30 while doing it. 

I think it's working. I feel good. A little lull here, but I'm ok. After my meeting I'll have some celery and sunbutter and I'll be good to go!

It's feels nice to be weeding the garden. Getting rid of the things that I don't want growing there. 

7/15/2013

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. But I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt.
The realization that I am so invested in something that could take me or leave me... is painful. Maybe it isn't that way, but this is the way it feels.
I try to reach out, I try to talk it out... I get iced out.
I'm sick of it. Man, it really does hurt.
I can't help but feel it's time for me to turn away from the ice and cold... walk a different direction.

Drifting

Dear Uri,
Is it the switch of that Fall in the air. I feel adrift about many things.
Have I lost myself again in so much? Or have I come to another point where I am being too harsh on myself? I sent a large chunk of the summer feeling like I was talking the talk but not walking the walk... it took a lot to realize that that was a bunch of hooey.
It's so easy to get into that mind frame though... I don't go to the gym, I consider it slacking. I veg out in front of the TV and don't leave the apartment, and I judge it. I eat processed foods or things that I know aren't really healthy for me, and I start feeling worse and worse. I let all this slide... and then I begin to judge myself for this behavior.
Why?
Why Judge it? I think because I know I can do better. Yes it's summer, yes it's nice to eat something not so healthy. I was also working on a show and so cooking because more difficult due to time constraints. I've been giving readings on the weekends and after work so I've been giving a lot of time outside of what I have in the past.
These are all ok things. It's all an adjustment, but I am riding my own ass about it. The harsh judgment needs to stop. It only makes me feel worse which leads to more harsh judgement or decisions that aren't healthy but made from a reactive place. I don't want to do that any more.
Yesterday, I was pushing and pulling a good deal. I feel I have been more that usual this week.
There is a desire for attention and distraction that is taking me away from myself. It has been tricky to buckle down and to the things that I want to do.
Doing the things that are in my highest good does mean DOING them... and I get to the point of recognizing that... seeing this place to dock. "yes, I want to turn off the TV and spend some time doing this" but then I push away and go back out to sea. When it actually comes to it, it is difficult for me.

Unhooking

Hi Uri!
I really am curious about my work ethic.
I know I can work hard, but I also know I dilly and Dally and goof around a bit. I am wondering how much is known or noticed.
With so much going on, maybe focusing up couldn't hurt?
I mean I did get out of the fire and now I feel things are nice and cooled down.
I don't think it could hurt for me to focus more on work.
And WHOA! Did I ever unplug from Jesse! Now that is the most impressive thing!
Still nice, still there, but so not tapped into it fully. I was able to release a lot in my dreams last night! That is awesome stuff!
I've got a lot of good stuff going for me. That is what I want to focus on!
It was the vision I got as all of this new job stuff was settling in. I got the complete sensation of a healthier lifestyle taking over. Of health and vibrancy and living in a balanced and happy way!
NOW THAT IS WHAT I AM after!
That is really freaking exciting... and that is what I am stepping up into!
I can totally do this!

WTF

Uri, what am I doing...
I was just given this message... and here I sit and it's as if I never heard it!
I feel like I can't trust! Like I'm spinning out of control all because of something so small! So very small :(
It is small, but I fear for what it could mean!
And I keep putting my hand in the bear trap! Every single time!!!!
I just want to cry. I want to sit and sulk because I miss my friend and I feel like it's all lost. I feel like it means nothing. 

Is this all in my head. Am I making something out of nothing?
What is it that I really want?
Recognition, acknowledgement, My friend back!
I want my friend back.

So what am I going to do... because this seriously destroys me every time.
He says I can call tonight. Do I want to? Not really...
when it comes to this, it's either an in or out thing. Why is there no waiting?
I feel like there is no way to release this tension I feel!
I feel like I'm a mess... a huge ball of doubt and fear... and all of that carries into the experiences I have with the person.
Like I can't stand my ground there, Like I can't be who I am.
Why? Why does this one person get to take all of this away from me? Why do I let it happen? What lesson do I keep signing up to learn here.
To trust.
Ok... to trust what?
Trust yourself and trust your heart.
I feel like I'm wrong.
Do you? Do you really feel you are wrong or do you feel that there is nothing to stand on to base the trust on.
I feel like I'm too wrapped up in something that isn't important.
What would I say to him if I could tonight:
I feel like you're ignoring me. I feel like I don't matter to you... base on WHAT? Seriously? On comments on FB... on liking status's in FB?
Haven't you been through more than that?
I don't know. I feel like I need to get away.